If you were not afraid, what would you do?

The song running through my head the past couple of days, has the line ‘By now, you should’ve somehow, realized what you got to do’

My team lead put on an interesting message on his IM yesterday. It read ‘If you were not afraid, what would you do?’

At first glance, it seems like one of those random questions people ask, just outta the blue, either to kill time, or gain some insight into the person to whom the question is asked (I’ve done it, am sure you have too. You know, the ‘who do you think will win in a Batman v/s Superman fight?’ kind of questions. Very valuable insight). A simple question. If you know the answer.  If you do, I envy you. You see I, even at my brilliant current age, haven’t been able to decide what I ‘really’ want to do. Sure, my education has gotten me a decent job that gets me a monthly paycheck. But do I really want to get old doing this? No. Am I sure I don’t want to get old doing this? I don’t know. The obvious answer to the second question is YES, but if you ask me to give it up, I’m not sure I will.

So the question for me really isn’t about what I would do if I were not afraid, but what I really want to do. Last week I met a kid, all of 7 wise years, who when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, counted five options off of his hand. At just over thrice his age, I’m still undecided. I may even have more options than fingers on a hand. I wrote an earlier post about the things I’d like to do in life if I had all the resources I need available to me.

Co-incidentally, today I started off on one of them. Learning to play the guitar. I’d started earlier but then stopped, but I’ve started again, and this time I don’t intend to stop. Let this post be a testimony for times to come.

Just after I’d made up my mind on that one, I logged into my e-mail account and found a mail, which asked for applicants for Teach for India. Another one of the things, I’ve said I wanted to do. And here, opportunity comes knocking right at my door, er, inbox. A few days, ago, I was speaking to a guy I was just getting to know (Yes, asked a few of the afore mentioned questions, though not superman v/s batman, that’s my decider question, if you wanted to know, which I’m pretty sure you didn’t) who spoke about his plans for leaving his current job to teach. He seemed pretty determined. I hope he gets to live his dream. It’d be really simple, one application form I’d have to fill in and submit, get through the selection process and I’d be doing one thing I’m pretty sure I want to do at some point in my life. ‘If you were not afraid, what would you do?’ I sort of have the answer, but I am afraid. And I have not yet made up my mind about it. I have the time, but I’m sure of my decision yet.

Why? No child dreams of growing up and becoming an engineer in the sense that they want to go in for a 8 hour shift each day, staring at the screen waiting for that silly piece of code to work today like it did yesterday. Office to children is where their parents go, and if they’re excited by it, it’s because of the mystique the briefcase (these days the handbag/laptop bag) holds. They imagine a much interesting world out there. To be an engineer, for a child, is to make things. To create, to design, to build, to develop and not just as terms in the SDLC. As we grow up, we realize the façade our dreams have been, but we still go on with them. Pretend we want to be more realistic, rather than dream, squeeze our dreams down to weekend hobbies, if at all, and pretend that the tag and the salary (about which we start cribbing after the first few months) matter. We even enjoy swapping the ‘no-job-satisfaction’ stories with our friends in similar situations. All the while knowing, that this isn’t what we’re meant to do.

So even when we find a way out, even if it is right in front of us, like it is in front of me now, we are undecided. I can crib about my job all I want, but can I really let go? Can I deal with the insecurity of an unsure future? The answer to that is simple. No, not yet.

But someday, the answer will be yes. And I’ll be sure about it. Someday I’ll have the answer to the question, and the answer would be, I am not afraid and I am doing it.

P.S: Just as I was getting all excited, and wondering if I could really fill in the application, I came across a quote:

Don’t mistake coincidence for fate.

Go figure!!!