Friend or Foe

Follow the link to find my second poem that rhymes :)

Friend or Foe

Also, 13th February, marked another important milestone in my life.
Can't decide if life is moving at breakneck speeds or if it is barely moving at all.
What next?

Resolutions... and then none!

You know how excited everyone gets about the New Year?

Like one day turning into the next is gonna bring about some major change?

Well, some attempt to try and make this real with resolutions, the enthusiasm for which - for no unforeseeable reason- wither away in days, weeks, months…

I decided to come up with a list of resolutions that I would NEVER be able to keep, even if someone offered me… (well, anything, really :-P)

Here goes… (in random order)

I resolve not to:

• Curb my sarcasm

(I try, honestly! After all, it IS wasted on a lot of people (the populace strength is shocking!))

• Stop saying, "FAT stranger, I don't comment on how much you stuff your face, you don't comment on how less I stuff mine. OK? OK"

(When they established etiquette for what can or cannot be said about fat people in public, shouldn’t there have been etiquette about what you say to people on the other side of the scale, especially strangers? Since they didn’t, someone has to do the dirty job, unfortunately…)

• Stop correcting people's grammar

(Now this, I should be applauded for, if not rewarded. Someone remind me why there aren’t laws against bad grammar again?!?!)

• Stop judging people by the music they listen to

(I might sound like one those quizzes, but you music DOES say a lot about you!)

• Get over Sawyer

(Again, I tried. But sometimes, one just has to accept things…)

• Follow ‘Early to bed, early to rise’ (like,sunrise early!)

(Make the sun change its nighty-night and rise-and-shine timings, not me!)

• Eat mangos

(and please find me someone else who also does not eat them, I cannot be the only one!!!)

• Buy/ wear more "girlish" attire (read: PINK)

(Really, if you don’t even know me that much, you shouldn’t be reading this. Expect to be sued for invasion of privacy!)

• Be opinionated on Everything, or at least not voice them every single time.

(If you ask me, I will tell you. And even if you don’t, at times)

• Make small talk

(might be hard to believe with my blabbering prowess, but leave me with people I am less than acquainted/ and/or have no interest in, and silence is my best friend)

Now I know I might not come across as the best person in all of these, but my final and truest resolution will get me back to you good side(yes, I care, very much!)

I RESOLVE NOT TO…. Leave the good side and become a super-anti-hero!

Told ya! B-)

I assure you I shall have no problems abiding with any of these for this year, and the next… so long!

Milestones

So yesterday was an awesome day.

Didn’t start out that great. Must really do something about my temper. But like they say. All’s well that ends well. Well almost J

How soon we go from ‘our first time…’ to ‘the last time we will ever…’.

But even when it’s all about the lasts there can be a first. A monumental one at times. This one definitely is J

Another milestone in life some would say!

And yes, there is such a thing as a good goodbye. Never believed it.

Moving on

It’s always worked that way for me.

Try it, maybe it’ll work for you:

When something ends,

When you lose something, give yourself a minute.

Feel the pain as your heart shatters and each broken bit hurts.

Then forget all about it, and use your brain to move forward.

No emotions attached.

Forget you have a heart.

Sometimes, when you look back, your heart’s all healed and doesn’t hurt anymore.

The risk here is, you never know when it might be too soon to look back and know that it still hurts with a killing ache.

The fallout here is that once healed, you only set it up to be broken again.

True friends

It's kinda sad, that you only find out who your true friends are during a crisis.
i'm of the 'all people are good' belief, but there still is a lil something that separates your average good Samaritan from friends..

To all those who are here for me, and to those who weren't :)

Its not about who you can call, it’s about who call you back

It’s not about who tell you they care, but about those who show it without saying

It’s not about who can wipe your tears, but who can bring a smile to your face through the tears running down your face

It’s not about who patiently listen while you pour your heart out, some times it’s the ones who stop you midway and knock some sense into your head

It’s not about those that always pick you up, but about those that’ll never let you fall.

Also, my 50th post :)

Perspective

How do you know if your world has crashed?

How can you tell one thing isn’t right when all of it is in disarray?

You need a frame of reference,

One thing to measure it by

One thing that stayed as it was, that didn’t crash

While everything around did…

But you notice not what stayed,

All you can see is the chaos,

All you worry about is what’s not there anymore

What can never come back…

It takes but a second to catch your own reflection

Off of some broken shiny object

To make you realize that you are the one thing that is still upright

The only thing that remained

Intact, if only by appearance…

It takes several moments more

For you to realize there is only one thing to do

Try and resuscitate whatever can be

And to clean up the mess the rest made

And as you try to start to do so

And fail at each attempt,

Just as you are about to give up,

You realize all you need is a change of perspective

All that crashed, was you

Everything else remained just the same as before

Rain and Reminiscence

"The saddest thing about love is that not only does it not last forever,

but even the heartache is soon forgotten..."

It's my favorite season, the monsoons.
Written in memory of the floods in Bombay on 26th July 2005.

It's an emotion I've had.
but most of all, a few days after i wrote this post, I actually had a similar day... coincidence? I think not!

here's the link:
Rain and Reminiscence



~

Musings

Similarities bore.

Differences frustrate.

I think it’s time I moved on.

I’ve stared at this rock long enough, waiting for it to show me the face of God.

It ain’t gonna happen.

OK, somebody help me move!!!

Full Moon

They say it is darkest before dawn but it’s darker when it’s a sky with no moon, and you have a darker soul. The roads were lit with the dull yellow streetlights, but the shadows they cast seemed as lifeless as the lights themselves. That night, I felt like a stranger in my own city. I felt as though the city was trying to alienate me as much I was trying to get away from it. I sped through the empty roads, occasionally driving past a vehicle headed towards what I was getting away from. Always towards. Never away. It seemed, literally and figuratively, I was alone in my journey.

Alone, never lonely. I’d always defined myself that way. But then, the world of difference between the two terms, seemed not to exist. It was just me, with all my material possessions that mattered to me the most, speeding out, getting away.

Read the entire post on my creative blog here:

Ever felt this way?

Ever get the feeling where the thoughts inside you are just jumbled up, climbing over each other, and exploding and compressing your insides at the same time?

Ever felt that you wanted to vent, to speak out every little detail to somebody, but never know whom to do it with?

Ever felt like nobody could ever understand what you’re going through, and they’ll only think you’re being silly to think that way?

Ever felt like instead of listening and trying to help, they’ll only say ‘this is so not you/ you can’t seriously be bothered by this/ what is wrong with you?’

Ever felt like you wish there were just one person around who understood, who knew?

And then you turn on your music player, turn the volume up as high as it can go, block out everything around you, trying even to block out the voices in your head,

And the lyrics come on, and you realize, someone understands, someone knows, someone’s been through just this,

Coz the music tells you so…

Ever felt this way?

unnamed

Somebody tell me what’s wrong

I seem to have lost my way

The urge to get away from a crowd is strong

And alone my far flung thoughts lead me astray

I’m headed down memory lane

Down a boulevard of broken dreams

I have an insight into what might have been

And the bag of choices un-taken is bursting at its seams

Trying to figure out how I got here

The paths so crisscrossed, it’s a maze

I see the paths I almost took, and the ones I did

Smiles await me at the end of the lanes

And not always at the ends of the ones I walked

I wonder what I’d do,

If I could go back and rewrite the past

Would I take on paths un-trodden?

Or would I still be here wondering?

Choices made, shattered dreams, broken promises

Will I ever know where I went wrong?

Maybe if I’d tried harder, held on longer?

Maybe I gave up too soon,

Or maybe, not soon enough?

Note: The first stanza is what I’m feeling right now, the rest sort of just flowed out.

Mindless rambling. 

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

Note: Another attempt at fiction after quite some time. Tried to keep it short.

I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen. ...Or by the little ones that do.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I don’t know if it one big thing, or one tiny thing, or several tiny things. I don’t know if the whole thing was wrong in the first place, but I did not see it coming.

I remember the first time I saw you. He and I were going to watch a movie, and you rudely cut into line before us. Then you lit a cigarette and gloriously ignored my coughing.

You turned around with the tickets in hand, and smiled, no laughed at Her, ran up to Her and almost snatching the slushie from Her hand, gulped down the last of it.

A common friend introduced us a few days later. I didn’t realize then it was you. You still don’t know. You gave a customary nod and smile towards me at my introduction, not really taking in any information about me. At the end of the party, I was waiting for Him to pick me up, saying my goodbyes to my friends. You - the party animal - was amongst the last to leave. Again, a cursory nod, and you were off, without a good bye or ‘hope to see you again’

Fate played a cruel game. He and you became friends. Back then, I saw it as being forced into your company. I took it as you trying to steal Him away from me. What with all our ‘dates’ moving from just the two of Us, to including you, and maybe more guys, hanging out at sports bars. I was jealous for the first time, and because of a guy. Not a good feeling.

I’d come home from a week long business trip. I’d been dying to see Him after being away for so long, but to my disappointment, when I got off the plane, He called to say, He was stuck at work with a deadline. Instead, He’d asked you to pick me up. Maybe it was the long flight, but mostly it was you that made me reply, ‘If you can’t come, I’ll make it home myself, I don’t need a stupid driver’. Of course, when I turned around, you were standing right there, after eavesdropping on my not-so-soft-spoken conversation and fake-grinned ‘your chauffeur is here ma’am’.

His birthday was around the corner. I couldn’t think of a good enough gift to get Him. And I wanted it to be special. ‘What do you get a guy who has me?’ I asked. You named a book, which has gone on to become amongst his most favorite books. I hadn’t realized you read. Heck, I hadn’t realized we talked enough, for you to be suggesting gift ideas, and me to be accepting them. It was when He gave me the biggest grin ever when He ripped open the present, that I realized I couldn’t have gotten Him anything better. I turned around to smile thanks at you, but you were too busy stuffing your face with cake.

It’d crept up on me, I’m sure. How else could I not have realized we were becoming friends? The frequency of calls increased, the subjects, moving from just one question to long discussions. When did I start talking to you? When did I start laughing with you? When did you become among the first people to know anything that happened with me? He didn’t mind our friendship. In fact He was glad for it. I’m not of the stone-age mindset, but I wish for once He’d have a tiny problem with it. He didn’t.

Our jobs often took us to different cities. We spent precious little time together. I would miss Him terribly when He wasn’t here with me. Another place, I wouldn’t mind. But here, home didn’t seem home without Him. Phone calls, no matter how long, or detailed, could only comfort so much. You became the one I turned to. I’d often tag along with you and Her. Funny, I never wondered if She felt the same as you did initially, while hanging out with us. She didn’t seem to mind, and She and I got to be friends too. But seeing you with Her, got harder with time. Maybe I misunderstood.

The two of you together, always reminded me of the two of us. If not in how you were, then in how you were not. Mostly the latter. I always thought ours was a grown up mature relationship, and yours most obviously wasn’t. The silly arguments, and the mushy making up, the giggling and the touching, the wanting to know about every second of the other’s life- I thought we were way over that. Again I misunderstood. I openly made jokes about how childish you two were, but I was just being jealous. I was missing Him way too much. But I thought I was too mature to simply call Him ten times a day just to hear his voice.

You sensed something was amiss. You tried your best to cheer me up. It worked, but only when I was with you. When you weren’t around, my mind was even more confused now. Missing Him and you. I should’ve seen it coming at least then but I didn’t. i was just missing Him, and you distracted me. I knew this. Then why?

How did we end up there? How could I have misunderstood so much? How did I end up being so confused. I never stopped loving Him, I never thought any one else could ever take his place. Yet there we were. Watching a movie, one afternoon. Some stupid zombie type movie, none the less. I laughed appropriately at all the bits that were “scary”. I don’t know how it happened. Suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I wasn’t looking at the screen, but watching your expressions change. I smiled when you gaily laughed. I smirked at your disgusted expression during the zombie-eating-human bits.

But what got me back, was when you turned to look at me. First you were still laughing at some scene, then your expression changed to a smirk, wondering what I was thinking, and finally as realization dawned, your face dropped, and your eyes closed in disappointment.

‘This isn’t’

‘I know’

‘He’s my friend’

‘I know’

‘He truly loves you’

‘I love Him too’

‘I love Her’

‘I know’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘No, it’s my fault’

‘I can’t…’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking’

‘This isn’t’

‘I… know’

Note: The story is fictional, the idea is not. Maybe I can come up with His and Her part of the story. Kind of feel sorry for them.

The light at end of the tunnel?

Sometimes, a word/ a phrase/ a song can take you down a tunnel to a time/ a place/ a person even if you don't want to be there. And once you're set in motion, it is beyond your control to turn around, you just keep falling, and falling. The only saving grace is to remember  that when the tunnel ends, you'll still be on the side you started on.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel, for all you know, you're getting sucked into a to-be black hole.

Missing You

In random order:

Missing the times when we used to laugh for hours together
Missing the times we stayed up through most of the night, talking about the silliest of things, trying to see just how long we could fight sleep.
Missing the times when each others problems seemed the only crisis in the world.
Missing the plotting and planning against the world, the dreams and aspirations of being together forever.
Missing the great plans and trips around the globe (mostly mine) that never worked out, but I still kept hoping.
Missing those phrases and words, that made no sense to the rest of the world, but cracked us up, and held worlds of meanings.
Missing the bitching, advice seeking, advice giving, the ‘It’s not your fault’s.
Missing the laughing over the same problems and the ‘I told you so’s much, much later.
Even missing the arguments and exasperated sighs.
Missing questioning ourselves, how we ever ended up being friends.
Missing recounting incidents over and over again, each getting funnier each time.
Missing the planned birthday ‘surprises’. (Mine’s coming up soon if you still remember)
Missing the words, the silence, the laughs, the smiles and the straight-faces, the promises, the going out, the staying put, but most of all,
Missing you :(

For Dev.D, Aunty, Parth, Nik and Foci.

Today is the first day i am all alone here, with none of you around :(

It hit me just now when I came home, and none of you were online.

Cant wait till next weekend when I'll meet you'l again :)


Lots of stuff 'missing' from the list. Feel free to add on to what I've forgotten.

P.S: Comments about me getting too emotional/ being a cry baby/ girly, will NOT be taken to kindly.

Into the Shining Sun

A million thoughts in my head,

A mind fuzzed with not enough sleep,

A thousand worries I shouldn’t have

Chaos all around, I’m still in another world

I enter through high arched doors,

Make my way towards the curved stairway

I hear the first faint sounds

A sound that will 'fix' it all

A sound that makes me smile

A sound that makes me forget all that’s wrong

I make my way up the stairs

The sounds getting louder and clearer

The sounds and sight i seek are right around the corner

The stairway lightens up as i climb on

The sound a final turn away

And I head into the shining sun

The thoughts lost,

The mind awakens,

The worries linger no more

And I’m in a world where I belong

Note: A lil something inspired by my guitar class, the only reason i wake up early on weekends :-p

Broken

I’m a hoarder. I love collecting stuff. Most of all, I love collecting tiny pebbles. I used to have loads of them. Picked up mainly at beaches. Different shapes, different textures, different sizes. Each one, unique. That’s what I liked best about them. I liked them all, but none of them were exactly the same as another.

One day, when the pebbles grew a little larger in number than I could manage with ease, I got a beautiful glass jar to keep them in. With the pebbles all piled up together, the glass jar seemed a pleasant sight to look at, with the different colors within it, reflecting light at different angles. I placed it right where the first rays of the morning sun could hit it, and the first thing I saw each morning when I awoke. And I smiled each time I looked at it. Slowly, but surely the jar began to fill up. More pebbles of more colors, shapes, sizes and textures. Each time, I thought one more wouldn’t fit into it, I’d just shake the jar a bit, and the pebbles within would move, to accommodate the new one.

Then one day, two things happened. I got a new pebble to add to my collection, but before I got to add it to the jar, I found out there were going to be guests coming over. The guests included children, which included a lot of running around, and into things, and my first thought went out to my pebbles. I wasn’t very keen on handing out my pebbles to them yet either. So I took the jar and I placed it on a very high shelf, where none of the little hands could reach for it.

All was well for most of the time, until my worst fears came true, when one of the kids, running amok (why aren’t there leashes for those things? :-P) headed straight for the shelf. In my minds eye, I almost saw it before it happened, but was dumbstruck. In slow-mo I watched the kid run into the shelf, and then bounce off its door and run out of the room, without breaking pace, getting away from the other kids behind him. I stared up where the jar, shaken from its position wobbled a bit, then stilled dangerously onto the edge of its base, before making its journey downwards.

I lunged for it, trying to protect it, but from across the room, my move didn’t do much good. I halted, suddenly, and closed my eyes just when it hit the floor. But I could not shut down the sounds that followed. The glass shattering, the pebbles scattering, the gasps of the people followed by their sudden silence. I opened my eyes, to the blurry (I was NOT gonna cry) mess in front of me. Each precious pebble I’d so carefully sought and guarded, there amongst bits of glass. I tried to salvage a few, but the jar had shattered into so many little pieces, I couldn’t touch a pebble without getting any glass in my fingers. My bloodied fingers finally made me stop, And I resigned to the fact that I could never have those back again.

Walked out this morning/ Don't believe what I saw/ A hundred billion bottles/ Washed up on the shore/ Seems I'm not alone at being alone/ A hundred billion castaways/ Looking for a home

I have that one new pebble that I hadn’t yet added to the jar. Maybe I’ll start over, or maybe I’ll add it to the trash bag with all the others.

Fade to Nothing

I had a dream last night.

I am walking down a road. It is unfamiliar to me, but not unknown. I’d never been down this one before, but the terrain, now that I knew. There’s a little bit of me, that tiny voice that loves the ‘unsafe’. This road has huge warning signs all over it. As I walk along, the person walking besides me (changing every second from person to person, everyone I ever knew and loved) keeps asking me to stop. Keeps telling me it is dangerous. Some try to move me away from it physically, but I somehow find the urge to keep going irresistible. The tiny voice in my head is having the time of its life, egging me on. ‘It will be so much fun. Aren’t you bored of being so nice all the time. Aren’t you just sick of doing what everyone else asks you to do? This one’s the biggest challenge I could find for now. If you conquer this, well, you will be basking in the rewards later, and these people will be your side, applauding you then.’ The voice is crazy with glee, overshadowing everyone else’s, and so I pay heed to it. Ignoring the pleas, ignoring the threats from some of my friends. I keep walking. Slowly, my companion fades. In phases, there is someone suddenly walking besides me, and a few steps later I am all alone. Even the voice in my head has left me. I have no company anymore, and if I have to walk down this road I am all by myself. I look back, once, to see if I should really go back, but there is nothing behind me. Nothing at all, just black emptiness. I look ahead and there is the road stretched out in front of me, flooded with blinding light. There is clearly only one way to go.

I’m walking and with each step I take, the ground behind me vanishes into nothingness. The road seems really easy. Is it really the one I’ve been seeking when I was walking through all the others? I know there is something brilliant waiting for me at the end of this road, but the details elude me. I just know that I have to keep walking, and while I cant wait to reach the end, I don’t want the road to end either. I realize that I’ve begun to run, run really fast, and it is so graceful, so fluid, that I almost shock myself into waking up. As I run along, the landscape keeps changing constantly, but one thing remains constant, the road behind me keeps turning into nothing. If it weren’t for the changing landscape, and the fact that I could feel my body move faster than ever, I would be simply standing in the same place staring out into the light, with nothing behind me. I have an aerial view of myself as I run, and I am the line that divides the road from nothing, as I keep moving, the darkness keeps moving, engulfing with it more and more of the road. As I run along, I still catch odd glimpses of people I know. People I’ve loved. Some just stand there, and I am unable to make out any more because I have run past them, and they have been engulfed into nothing. Some I spot from a little distance, they seem to try to mouth something out to me, but with the sounds of my footsteps and my breathing, I can’t hear a word they say. I try to stop a couple of times, but I am unable to, its like I am now a machine that has been set to run at a predetermined sped in a particular direction. Few, very few, try to run along, I spot them for longer periods, trying to keep up, stay with me, knowing I cannot understand, just quietly running along, with the occasional smile that is both meant to reassure me of their presence , and at the same time, sad. ‘Why sad?’ I wonder out aloud, ‘at least you care enough to try to keep up. The others didn’t even take a step‘. As soon as I say this out, their look changes to one of hurt. I do not know why, but immediately after they are left behind too.

I’m confused now, I want to continue, but I still want to stop and go back. I realized I can only go forward. My body has stopped being controlled by my brain, and is just moving ahead, and I realize all I can do now is give in, and wait and watch. I resume my aerial position, and watch as my body moves along the road, with the darkness moving in from behind. It suddenly hits me, I am not running away into the light, I am running away from the darkness, which is engulfing me fast from behind. I am surprised that my body knew this before my mind. Now I am glad that I’m moving away, though I am afraid what it means that my friends are being left behind. As soon as I think this, I spot one more moving ahead. One of my closest friends, my rock. Long before I reach there, my  friend has started to run, knowing that keeping up will require a huge head start. I know that my heart would be a little hurt, lacking the logic that my brain has. I would only have seen it as my friend running away, leaving me behind. My brain understands,  grasps the concept of the true friend and the fact that my heart will never forgive my friend for leaving me behind. I suddenly realize what me heart is asking my body to do, and I try to go back, force it into reason, but the attempt is futile. I can only watch, shocked, as I see myself catch up, and push - put out my arm, and use all the super-human force I seem to possess - my friend into the darkness.

My mind is reeling. From up here, with this objective view, I finally get the look of hurt on my friend’s face, and am ashamed of myself for putting it there. Another one lost into the darkness. All sorts of thoughts are running in my head now. Jumbled, in random order, with little or no reference. I am thinking back to all the times I let my heart decide before my mind, and I think back to the outcomes. Whoever said, listen to your heart over your mind, did they think it through? While I am still coping with the thoughts, still wondering about the kind of person I’ve been, I happen to look ahead, and happen to see what I instinctively know my body has not, the end of the road. Just as the darkness behind me, there is nothing beyond that point on the road ahead, and I am hurtling towards there. Even though I know, that I haven’t been the best person, survival instincts kick and in , and I rush towards my body, determined to get it under control again. I have to make it stop. I don’t know what will happen when I stop, will I just be stuck on the road, between two worlds of darkness? I shall be alone, I have myself pushed away anyone who ever cared. But I know I must stop. I have to. The aerial view I have shows me that we’re almost there at the edge. My heart and body still won’t listen to my mind. On the contrary, I see a smile on my lips, albeit disconnected from my eyes. My eyes look elated, not in a happy kind, just in the sense that says it knows its goal is achieved.

I am too late, in the end I won’t be able to save even myself. I see the light slimming down to a sliver and the last thing I can see is myself, jumping off the edge of the road, (which now seems to be a cliff) into nothing. And then there is only the darkness. The last thing I feel, is my feet leaving firm ground and jumping into nothing, the darkness I’ve been running from. As I feel the lurch of the ground slipping beneath my feet, I jerk awake, breathing as though I had actually run all that way. I do not know if, when I jumped, I managed to fly, or if I fell.

“Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.”

- Stephen King

Note: Didn't exactly think this one through. The work of a truly insomniac mind.

Waiting

• Waiting for the world to change.
• Waiting for me to be the supreme power that the rest of the earth bows down to.
• Waiting for a future that is better than the past.
• Waiting to find the courage, to turn my dreams into reality instead of just waiting by, while others take my dreams and turn it into their reality.
• Waiting for the day that I can finally say I own every materialistic thing on my wish list and not possibly want for anything more.
• Waiting for someone to give me the inspiration to be the writer I want to be, get my work published, and have it read by people who can be honest about it.
• Waiting for someone to tell me, my dream land is just that and give me a huge reality check.
• Waiting to not be judged by my gender, looks, or age.
• Waiting to meet one person who ‘really’ is different from everyone else.
• Waiting for someone who really will accept me for who I am, remaining the same, yet constantly changing.
• Waiting for someone to understand that I can be the same and yet change.
• Waiting for someone to remain the same always, even if I might change. :-p
• Waiting for my friends to realize that if they must, they should think of setting me up with someone I could actually like :-p
• Waiting for someone who cares, and isn’t afraid to show it.
• Waiting for someone who understands when to keep things to them selves.
• Waiting for someone to would try to break past my walls of self defense and stay.
• Waiting for someone who won’t leave, because people always do.
• Waiting for someone, who like me believes that loving someone is more important that being in love with them.
• Waiting for someone who actually means what they say.

Waiting for the world to realize that I can only try so much and wait for so long, before I give up.




Note: Compiled on the basis of thoughts I've had myself, and shared by friends. Expect more to be added.

If you were not afraid, what would you do?

The song running through my head the past couple of days, has the line ‘By now, you should’ve somehow, realized what you got to do’

My team lead put on an interesting message on his IM yesterday. It read ‘If you were not afraid, what would you do?’

At first glance, it seems like one of those random questions people ask, just outta the blue, either to kill time, or gain some insight into the person to whom the question is asked (I’ve done it, am sure you have too. You know, the ‘who do you think will win in a Batman v/s Superman fight?’ kind of questions. Very valuable insight). A simple question. If you know the answer.  If you do, I envy you. You see I, even at my brilliant current age, haven’t been able to decide what I ‘really’ want to do. Sure, my education has gotten me a decent job that gets me a monthly paycheck. But do I really want to get old doing this? No. Am I sure I don’t want to get old doing this? I don’t know. The obvious answer to the second question is YES, but if you ask me to give it up, I’m not sure I will.

So the question for me really isn’t about what I would do if I were not afraid, but what I really want to do. Last week I met a kid, all of 7 wise years, who when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, counted five options off of his hand. At just over thrice his age, I’m still undecided. I may even have more options than fingers on a hand. I wrote an earlier post about the things I’d like to do in life if I had all the resources I need available to me.

Co-incidentally, today I started off on one of them. Learning to play the guitar. I’d started earlier but then stopped, but I’ve started again, and this time I don’t intend to stop. Let this post be a testimony for times to come.

Just after I’d made up my mind on that one, I logged into my e-mail account and found a mail, which asked for applicants for Teach for India. Another one of the things, I’ve said I wanted to do. And here, opportunity comes knocking right at my door, er, inbox. A few days, ago, I was speaking to a guy I was just getting to know (Yes, asked a few of the afore mentioned questions, though not superman v/s batman, that’s my decider question, if you wanted to know, which I’m pretty sure you didn’t) who spoke about his plans for leaving his current job to teach. He seemed pretty determined. I hope he gets to live his dream. It’d be really simple, one application form I’d have to fill in and submit, get through the selection process and I’d be doing one thing I’m pretty sure I want to do at some point in my life. ‘If you were not afraid, what would you do?’ I sort of have the answer, but I am afraid. And I have not yet made up my mind about it. I have the time, but I’m sure of my decision yet.

Why? No child dreams of growing up and becoming an engineer in the sense that they want to go in for a 8 hour shift each day, staring at the screen waiting for that silly piece of code to work today like it did yesterday. Office to children is where their parents go, and if they’re excited by it, it’s because of the mystique the briefcase (these days the handbag/laptop bag) holds. They imagine a much interesting world out there. To be an engineer, for a child, is to make things. To create, to design, to build, to develop and not just as terms in the SDLC. As we grow up, we realize the façade our dreams have been, but we still go on with them. Pretend we want to be more realistic, rather than dream, squeeze our dreams down to weekend hobbies, if at all, and pretend that the tag and the salary (about which we start cribbing after the first few months) matter. We even enjoy swapping the ‘no-job-satisfaction’ stories with our friends in similar situations. All the while knowing, that this isn’t what we’re meant to do.

So even when we find a way out, even if it is right in front of us, like it is in front of me now, we are undecided. I can crib about my job all I want, but can I really let go? Can I deal with the insecurity of an unsure future? The answer to that is simple. No, not yet.

But someday, the answer will be yes. And I’ll be sure about it. Someday I’ll have the answer to the question, and the answer would be, I am not afraid and I am doing it.

P.S: Just as I was getting all excited, and wondering if I could really fill in the application, I came across a quote:

Don’t mistake coincidence for fate.

Go figure!!!

A Phoenix Rises from its Ashes

 Dedicated to my friends, you know who You are :)

A phoenix is a mythical bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1,000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. It is said that the bird's tears contain healing abilities of pureness, and their cry is that of a beautiful song.-Source: Wikipedia

In the room beyond that door, which is just like the one I currently am in, I can see a marvelous crystal phoenix. The sunrays from the window, reflects various colors from its surface, not unlike a rainbow. It’s perfect, in every sense of the word. So perfect, it seems mythical, but it is right there, and I can see it, and so it must be real. Every move it makes, it seems to radiate, not reflect the light that falls on it. Every word of its song seems so beautiful to me, so precious, so true. A tear drops from its eye. Even that tear drop seems perfect, perfectly shaped, healing some wound, making things a bit better.

I’m sure if you step in my place, you’ll see it too. As you move, closer, away, as you sway, as you stand still, you notice it imitates you perfectly. It looks so perfect, yet you look for imperfections. It looks so familiar, and you can’t place it. Until, you catch the glimpse of light reflected from its eye, and you realize. It isn’t any crystal phoenix. It’s a mirror, and you are the crystal phoenix.

You, the one with the tear pouring down one eye. You heal the wounds of others with it, ignoring the wounds hidden deep within you, which time hasn’t been able to heal.

You, the one that even when you cry, it seems a beautiful song to the listener. The one that soothes, that calms, ignoring the chaos within you. Melodious, exactly what the listener wants to hear, answering life’s questions for someone, with no one to listen to you ‘crying’.

You, the one that is perfect, ideal. An example for others to follow. You, that is meant to follow a path laid out for you since before you were born. One that leads to things admired, sure, but one you may not have wanted. One you can’t stray from, even when what you do want, is right around that previous turn you should have taken on your path.

You, the one supposed to lead. The one that others can look up to. No guides or aides to help you, but you must lead towards a victorious end. You, that can do no wrong, not because you’re always right, but because you are not allowed to do anything wrong. Only your glories are to be highlighted, your failures, rare though they might be, punished personally, and unknown to a world that could learn from your mistakes.

You, the one that seems crystal to the world, so exquisite, so delicately put together. Everyone appreciates that. No one appreciates how little it would take to break you.

But it does take little to break you. You are that brittle. Maybe one little push, a shiver to the stand you’re perched on. That will be the end of you. You might survive it, but that gleam, that reflection from your own eye, that is what breaks you. You realize your imperfections, you realize your unfamiliarity. You realize them because it’s true. You cannot bear to look at yourself anymore, and that is why, when you do look, right into the eyes of your reflection, you break.

Crumble into fine bits, and finally ashes. They, who you healed, who you soothed, who you led, who you were an ideal to, spare you a glance or two of pity, no more. That, to them, is the end of you. The End of an Era they claim to say, as if they ever knew you. But man’s greatest fault has been his ignorance. They do not realize.

You are broken, you cannot be fixed. But your greatest strength was in knowing you were broken. And so you let yourself ‘die’ in their eyes. But really, you were only waiting, biding your time. What is broken cannot be fixed, but you are beyond broke, you are back to ashes. And only when something is completely destroyed, can something new be created in its place.

And that’s what you’re set to do. Rise again, rise from the ashes. Slowly, but surely. Some might realize it’s you, most won’t, but it won’t matter. What will matter is you. Because, once you're born again, renewed in body and mind, you will be everything you ever wanted to be, even if it is nothing what is expected of you.

The phoenix, reborn, will not be of icy crystal. It will be full of fire within. It will not travel along paths laid down for it. It will soar through the open skies. Flying, resting, soaring again. Never staying. It will lead by example, with its failures being celebrated as much as its victories, its right to its own share of mistakes acknowledged, accepted. It will sing songs, that will soothe, and answer, but they will be songs its learned from its life. Songs about its failures maybe, but songs it is proud of, not about its hurt. Its tears may heal, but they wont be tears of its own wounds that are still open. It will be tears of joy, of victories past. Tears that will heal much quicker, much better.

It will soar, into the open skies, so high, above anyone, anything that can claim the sky. It will fly alone, but that will be out of choice, not necessity. It will be perfect, maybe not to me, maybe not to you, but when that phoenix next looks into its own reflection, it will not look away from itself, nor will it crumble when it meets the eye of its reflection. The fire within it will soar further. It will engulf the phoenix, the mirror, the reflection and the phoenix will further flourish.

It is then that you realize, there is no ice, no fire, no mirror, no reflection. No phoenix. There is only you. Then, and now.

Note: The idea for this post came to me more than a week ago, and weird(pleasant) coincidence that it was, I noticed that a friend of mine had written a poem, titled 'The Phoenix Arrives'. Be sure to check it out. Great piece of work.